Annoy Final Fantasy Characters!
by konichiwahinata
Summary: here's tips on how to get killed by your favorite characters
1. Chapter 1

How to annoy Sephiroth!

As much as we love Sephy and his evilness, it's quite easy to ruin his life (further). Here's how to do so:

Say ur mom

Ask him what he's overcompensating for with his sword

If he says no, kick to verify the information

If he says yes, kick him anyway

Tell him his dad's really Hojo. This is guaranteed to make him eleventy-seven percent more evil

If he hasn't killed himself or you from my last suggestion, say ur mom once again

Make yo momma jokes

Sing one winged angel until he hates his own theme song

Ask if you can keep it as your theme song afterwards

Make a joke about his "long sword" and how he "penetrated" Aeris with it

Ask if he enjoyed it

Tell him jenova's a mutated smurf

Speak like a smurf to him

Or, since jenovas an alien, make avatar references

When the meteor comes, ask him to make sure it that big thing hits you hard

Draw things on that tube jenova's in

Tell him Lucrecia's his mom and that she's in love with Vincent who could possibly become his stepad

Ask him if vincent was in cloud's party during his bossfight

If yes, ask him if what vincent did was child abuse

If no, tell him no matter what Hojo will always be his daddykins

Call him a momma's boy

RELEASE THE FANGIRLS!

Celebrate because if you did all these things that means you're still alive… for now…


	2. Chapter 2

Annoy Kefka!

Well….he set himself up for this by looking like a clown…

Ask him to make you a balloon animal

Call him Bozo

Make It references until it annoys him

Put sand on his boots

Spray him with seltzer

Better yet, spray him with Waterga and see if his makeup comes off

If not, ask him what kind of makeup he's using

If you like makeup, make him share

Use waterga again and again to see if it actually comes off

Go honk honk after he laughs

Replace dancing mad with a circus theme

Shove handkerchiefs down his throat and clap like an amused child as he pulls them out

When he asks why you did it, say you wanted to see a magic trick

Introduce him to Chuckie from Rugrats

Hope you traumatized Chuckie

Telll him Sephiroth was a better villain

Throw machetes at him to see if he can juggle them

Get mad if he dies and yell at his corpse to make yourself feel better

If it doesn't kill him hand him a unicycle

Throw balls at him

Ask if he liked it

Throw them harder and asked if he liked it again regardless of his reaction from before

Call him a Joker wannabe

Dress up as Harley Quinn and offer to be his sidekick

Screw up all of evil schemes while being his sidekick

Say nananananana BATMAN! While running around in a cape and get in the way when he does something bad


	3. Chapter 3

Annoy Vincent

Well…he may be my favorite but hey why not?

Tell him Hojo's manlier

Say at least Hojo got the girl

Call him Sasuke

Say he's a bigger emo than sasuke

Ask him why he can use devil trigger even though he's not from devil may cry

Ask him why his devil trigger is a super saiyan

Inquire about how he and Lucrecia are going to have children when she's stuck in a giant crystal

Refer to him as Alucard

Make hellsing abridged jokes

Even better, call him Edward

Sing I'm not a vampire nonstop

Make even more crappy jokes such as: "Bite me, get it? Cause you're a vampire!"

Laugh at all your crappy jokes no matter how stupid they sound

Send a frilly love letter addressed to Yuffie from him

Lock them in a room together with nothing but sugar

Send it to hojo afterwards

Point out that his initials are fangs (VV)

Just call him he hates it when he gets phone calls

Tell him Nero is his evil twin and not weiss's bro

Throw garlic at him


	4. Chapter 4

Annoy Tifa

Let's lower her self esteem too! I mean, hey, I did it to the super hot Vincent.

Ask her how many procedures she's gone through

Poke Poke

Are they real?

Tell her cloud will never love her

Say she has bigger boobs than dolly parton

Remind her that she got creamed by Loz

Call her an idiot for not telling cloud what REALLY happened at Nibelheim

Ask her if she has back pain

Tell her Aeris is prettier

Tell her that Aeris got to go on a date with cloud at the golden saucer

Describe the date in perfect detail

Prank Call strife delivery service

Tell her she should change seventh heaven to hooter's


	5. Chapter 5

Annoy Yuna

Call her a Pokemon Trainer

Refer to Bahamut as Charizard

Or Spyro

Alduin works too in which case, wear a skyrim helmet and say the arrow to the knee joke nonstop

Say it's super effective whenever a spell does elemental damage (Such as Ifrit using firaga on an ice flan)

Say Fus Roh Da! Every time Bahamut opens its mouth

Say Ash is cooler and stronger

Call Seymour Gary Oak

Be his cheerleader

Sing the pokemon theme song until Yuna beats you to death with her staff

Remind her of the wedding

Complain repeatedly about not getting any cake

Better yet, take the cake BEFORE crashing the wedding

Throw it at her

Throw it at Auron and blame Yuna

Tell Tidus about Shuyin

Tell Lenne about Shuyin and Yuna

Tell Yuna to go die in a hole

Ask if that black thing under her dress is her bra

Ask this in front of everyone

When going to the one temple with the monkeys, take one with you

Beg her to keep it

If she says no, MAKE A MONKEY ARMY AND DECLARE YOURSELF THE KING/QUEEN OF THE MONKEYS!

Compare Yuna to the monkeys

Tell her Justin Bieber has more talent than she does

Tell her to go die in a hole again. She'll probably do it after what you said about Justin Bieber.


	6. Chapter 6

Annoy Genesis

Well, this should be fun but it's kind of hard at the same time

Call him a bookworm

Replace LOVELESS with Twilight

Mock him if he liked it

Introduce him to Vincent (Vincent: But I love you konichiwahinata, me: ^_^)

Say Vincent is Edward

NERD! (If you don't get it, DBZ abridged, Piccolo says it to Gohan)

Burn LOVELESS

Watch Genesis freak out

Say "I'll douse the flames!" and throw it in the toilet

Hide behind Zack

Call Genesis Gackt (Musician that Genesis is modeled after)

Force him to sing

If he does, bring up Justin Bieber like you did with Yuna

Throw a dumbapple at him and yell "How do you like them dumbapples?"

Laugh at it nonstop

Laugh at a week later at the most random or serious moment

Doodle in his book

Draw hearts and a picture of you and Genesis holding hands

When he sees it, call him a horrible person even if he likes you back for some reason after doing all this crap to him

Replace LOVELESS with Death Note at your own risk

See if Ryuk scares him or eats all of the dumbapples

Steal LOVELESS and imitate death note

When they tell you to stop, tell them that that's not how you refer to the god of the new world

Take a potato chip…and EAT IT while Genesis is reading and be sure to make loud crunching noises

Call L and tell him Genesis is Kira

Write your least favorite characters' names in it

Save Genesis for last and give him the crappiest death (Such as eaten by hamsters cuz it HURTS when they bite)

And Finally….RELEASE THE GENESIS FANCLUBS!


	7. Chapter 7

Annoy Kadaj

Aww poor Kadaj but let's lower his self esteem anyway!

Tell him you thought he was a girl at first

If you're a boy, say he's a hot girl

If you're a girl, this will be even funnier

Tell him you know where mother is

When he gets all excited say oh No I was kidding

Better yet, tell him she's in Don Corneo's Mansion

Or the honey bee inn

Oooorrrrr…between Tifa's boobs

If you do have it, open the box or shake it like a present

Tape it to Bahamut Zero good luck getting that Kadaj

Wait until Christmas and wrap it up THEN give it to Kadaj

Make sure he opens it under a mistletoe

Say he planned it and that he's a repugnant person for doing so

Say Sephiroth is Mommy's Favorite

Cut his beautiful silver hair

Compare him, Loz, and Yazoo to the Powerpuff Girls

Or the" men who look like women featuring Loz club"

Tell him Rufus has it and screw up the plot

Or, tell him you mean Rufus as in the naked mole rat from Kim Possible and watch him slaughter Rufus in front of Ron

Momma's boy

Call him Sephy Junior!


	8. Chapter 8

Annoy Seymour

The only guy whose hair is crappier than Wakka's ya?

Call him Semen

Like with Yuna, make Pokemon references

Register Anima in the Pokedex

Tell him even his mom doesn't like him after you get Anima

Ask him about his day…THEN DECK HIM IN THE FACE!

Seeing as how the guado look like trees, try to make paper out of him

Ask him if he can do photosynthesis

Call him Griffin Boobs

Ask him WHY he loves Yuna despite her being underage

Give him the talk

Get Don Corneo to give him the talk

Tell him how ugly he looked in the wedding scene

Say nice derpface (if you pause the game at the right time, he really does have a derpface try it on youtube since people usually comment about it)

Insult his weapon. IT'S A FREAKING MAGIC WAND!

Speaking of which, ask if he in Gryffindor because of his tattoos


	9. Chapter 9

Annoy Kain

Cecil's BFF and a guy with awesome dragon armor! Shall we make him cry?

Use his lance to make shish kebabs

Whenever he uses his lance, say stuff about penetration and long thing

During the fight between him and another male character, scream YAOI! After making dirty jokes

RIP OFF HIS MASK!

Keep it as a souvenir

Take pictures of his actual face

Cast graviga while he's in the middle of using jump

Laugh while he's unable to come down

Cast float and watch again

Equip the dragoon boots relic (I think that's what allows characters in ff6 to jump) and make him angry since you're not a dragoon

Complain about the fact that there are no wyverns like the ones dragoons rode in FF1

Ride Kain instead

Ask if her liked it

Jump around like a demented rabbit and declare yourself a dragoon

When he and Cecil separate, say Cecil's dead

Tell him you lied at the most random moment

Take his lance and…

Poke Poke

Go spear fishing and make him clean the fish guts from his lance

Play Limbo with it

Point out the fact that he's the only character who never found love by the time FFIV The After Years


	10. Chapter 10

Annoy Shadow feat. Interceptor

The emotionless assassin with a cute puppy! I wonder what his face is like?

Do what Naruto tried to do with Kakashi; FIND OUT WHAT IS BENEATH THE MASK!

Ask if he IS Kakashi

Ask if he is Shadow the Hedgehog

Race him

Dress up as Sonic and fight him

Call him Shadow Sensei and force him to teach you ninjutsu if the last one didn't kill you

Say Interceptor is the most adorable thing ever

Enter Interceptor in a dog show

Talk to him like a lonely pet owner and use a funny voice wubwubwubwubwub wittle puppyyyyy!

Get Interceptor to like you and train him to be a housepet

Release a cat during a fight

Make sure it's Big the Cat

You know what, just rip the mask off if you haven't gotten it off yet and survived this

Or blackmail Shadow and threaten to tell everyone you did all these things to him and his dog if he doesn't show you his face

SPOILER ALERT!

Relm is actually his daughter (I think that's what it said), so ask how he plans to show his fatherly love

Get Relm a boyfriend and see how he reacts


	11. Chapter 11

Annoy Loz

The oversensitive silver haired man who cries over everything! Easy enough, right?

Also, please check out my other fanfiction if you'd like, such as konichiwahinata version of ALICE HUMAN SACRIFICE, Final Fantasy 7: Red and Silver, or Organization XIII: The Loyal Hound and please review because reviews are greatly appreciated! Thanks and enjoy ^_^

He's Elvis. I mean, look at his hair and sideburns!

Sing Elvis songs

Replace Devil in Disguise with Sephiroth in disguise and laugh at it even though it's extremely stupid

Get a bucket for him and when he asks, tell him it's in case he cries

Obviously, call him a crybaby

Call him Lozenge

Ask him if he forgot to take his antidepressants

Steal some from Cloud or Vincent (MINE!)

If crying continues, steal from Sasuke

Ask if he liked getting balls thrown in his face by Marlene

Ask if she threw them hard

Ask if he likes them hard

Inquire as to how he knows which materia is which if their all just a bunch of colorful spheres

Eat one because they're pretty

Suck on one

Tell him that if he were capable of getting a girlfriend, he'd know what that feels like

If he cries, set him up on a blind date…at the Honeybee Inn or Don Corneo's mansion

When he fought Tifa, accuse him of staring and say that that's why she was able to throw him into the pews (The seats)

Scold him for fighting in a church

Force him to go to confession


	12. Chapter 12

Annoy Nero

The hot Tsviet who looks more like Vincent's evil twin than Weiss's bro! Let's hurt his feelings and crush his hopes and dreams! :P

Make him say something because of his accent

Mimic his accent

Ask if you can have his straight jacket. Look at how cool it is!

Ask for the wing claw thing too

When he becomes Arachnero, use bug spray on him

Be sure to aim for his eyes and express your distaste for spiders

Tell him he looks more like Vin cent than Weiss

Get his birth certificate and change his last name to Valentine

Show it to him

Yaoi. It's enough to ruin him forever.

If you like Devil May Cry, yell at him and say how disappointed you were that he wasn't the Nero from DMC

Better yet, accuse him of being a new version of Nero for the reboot of Devil May Cry

Ask him why he wasn't in it and make sure to yell even more

Call Deepground the Bro Army

Say Get it, because you and Weiss are bros and have an army then laugh at this joke for an hour while Nero tries to avoid you

Brofist him…IN THE FACE!

Run for your life or throw crumpets at him to distract him

Call him British

Scream the British are coming

Get Paul Revere from Assassin's Creed to do it since he's more annoying

Play One Direction and see if it insults him


	13. Chapter 13

Annoy Yazoo

Well, we couldn't leave her I mean um…HIM out now could we?

Call the police since they've abducted only children

Demand free candy

Call them the Advent Children of the Corn

Call Yazoo Isaac and Jenova He Who Walks Behind the Rows

Or She Who is Stuck in a Box

Tell him his Jenova's actually a mime

Throw corn at him

Grow corn in the lost city until that's all that's there

Ask him if they got lost in the Lost City and laugh at this idiotic joke until Yazoo yells at you

During the ride to the Lost City, say, "Are we there yet?" even when you're there

Ask Yazoo if the water's black because Kadaj "went" in the water

Make Yazoo drive him to a doctor

Refuse to drink it and say Kadaj went in the water aloud while imitating Yazoo's voice

Watch all the kids flee

Tell him how girly he looks

Honesty is the best policy; tell him you THOUGHT he was girl at first

Tell him to cut his hair and stop looking like a goth hippie

Braid his hair while he's asleep

If he wakes up before you get the chance, say Kadaj or Loz wanted to see him in their rooms

Take pictures during the confusion and write a yaoi about it

Make Kadaj or Loz your username

Make Yo Momma jokes

Take his gun and sing Scream, Aim, Fire while acting like a lunatic

When he takes it back, tell him he shouldn't keep it around children

Read him gun safety rules

Remember the Loz and Kadaj thing I mentioned earlier? Ask if he liked banging things


	14. Chapter 14

Annoy Hojo!

Well, no one likes him anyway….

Sing Bill Nye the Science Guy!

Say Bill Nye is cooler and smarter

Play with random crap in his lab and hope you find the cure for cancer since you'll be more popular than he is (And you'll do a great thing in the process )

Pretend you're a student at Hogwarts and mix chemistry related stuff in his lab to make potions

Wear a wizard hat while doing so

If you succeed in creation a potion ask him what your grade was

Once he gets angry, accuse him of being in Slytherin

Tell him you want to go on a field trip to Berty Bott's (The jelly bean place idk if I spelled it right)

After he kicks you out, start sing the song from the mysterious ticking noise

Use a real pipe bomb and toss it in his lab

Go back in and play with his chemistry stuff again, but say you want to increase your alchemy skill

Alchemy increased to 100!

Shoot him in the knee with an arrow if he's confused, trust me, he should know that meme by now

Draw alchemy circles on everything in his lab and quote Fullmetal Alchemist

Say Vincent is hotter and Lucrecia likes him better anyway

Ask what's wrong with his skin he looked rather greenish in the first FF7 game

Tell him he's insane and ugly as heck

When he's at the beach, tell the women surrounding him about Lucrecia (This should be fun!)

Steal his glasses and throw them in the ocean

Call it marine biology even though it makes no sense

Get him with a super soaker

Go to the church in the slums and be thankful that Hojo wore his lab coat to the beach

Donate gil….straight from Hojo's wallet


	15. Chapter 15

Annoy Cid (FF7)

Don't we all just want to hear him cuss like crazy?

Call a smoker's helpline and give them his number

Get him nicotine patched for his birthday

Or a gumball

Remember those commercials about the nicotine patches with the tiny little singers? Do that but with Justin Bieber songs

Ask him what &#$ means in front of Marlene and Barrett

Quote Buzz Lightyear

Say Cid Highwind of Star Command whenever he's on the phone

Set it as his ringtone or voicemail

Lock him in a room with a cowboy until they fight

Remind him of how he never went into space

Poke the rocket in Rocket Town until it falls over

Bonus points if you hit his mailbox

Triple points if you hit the Highwind

Write him an apology if you hit the mailbox

When he complains about hitting the Highwind, say at least we have each other

If you're a guy, say it like it's a yaoi

Sing I believe I can fly!

Push him off of a cliff and tell him he doesn't fly correctly after he hits the ground


	16. Chapter 16

Annoy Wakka

The hair swirly dude that says Ya after everything is on the list as well. On the bright side, at least Nooj (LOL Nooji Woojie like LeBlanc said) wins the award for worst haircut rather than him.

Pop the Blitzball

Say you hate sports

Tell him you'd rather watch ballroom dancing

Insult the freaking hair because we all know it looks bad

Get him to stop saying Ya after everything

Imitate him and say Ya until he gets the idea

Put in contacts with swirly eyes like an Al Bhed and talk crap about Yevon

Yell at him for fighting a Maester in a temple

Bad religious person *squirt squirt*

Use machina to chase him while screaming "Imma cut your hair off!"

Ask why he uses freaking sports equipment in a battle

Give him a beach ball to fight with

When he says what he said about Home exploding and fireworks, make it worse and remind everyone of how he hates the Al Bhed

Tell him Yuna's part al Bhed

Write a love letter to Rikku asking if the Al Bhed could meet in bed, sincerely, Wakka

Or give it to Yuna

Show Lulu afterwards

Record him ranting about Yevon and how the al Bhed are heathens and play it over the intercom at Home. It's much less annoying than whatever the heck it said when home was being attacked

Eat popcorn while they beat up Wakka

Even better, when they try to play the Hymn of the Fayth, play his ranting for all to hear

Inform him that Tidus and Chappu look NOTHING alike

Steal candy from him and Lulu's baby

Suggest Melvin or Herschel as a baby name when they began asking

Ask Waka how IT was with Lulu

Say it in front of everyone


	17. Chapter 17

Annoy Jecht

Tidus's dad and a jerk but at least he becomes nice later. Can't help but feel sorry for him actually since he was Sin that whole time

Get him to do something stupid while he's drunk

Like operate machina

Or ride a chocobo when there are children in the way

Put him on top of a Shoopuf when he passes out

Put him on top of Braska and/or Auron when he passes out and get a camera

Say "Yaoi" everyone!

RUN RUN AWAY WHEN THEY FIND YOU!

Also…get him help for his alcohol problem

Point to a shoopuf and say hey look it's a terrifying monster in the most sarcastic way possible

Call him Jecht, Conqueror of the Shoopuf

Ask him why he has a freaking Y tattooed on his chest

Ask him if he got it when he was drunk

Whine like Tidus does

When they go into the woods, dress up as Slenderman and leave notes everywhere while they're asleep

Wake them up by screaming and chase them as they collect notes

Write insults on the notes

Or draw yaoi of him, Braska, and Auron

Ask him what he did for fun while he was Sin

Make him fight Godzilla

Call him a dewgong or a manatee


End file.
